DEAR ABBY: I have a group of wonderful women friends I have known for decades. We get together monthly for dinner and drinks at a restaurant. The location is generally left up to whoever has a birthday that month and usually varies among three choices. Occasionally, I bow out if they choose a restaurant that caters to a local creep.
This man, “Bob,” has never been charged with an offense, but I was one of his victims 20 years ago, weeks after my first husband’s death. Bob broke into my home and stole items from my husband’s office. I was there at the time, and he came into my bedroom while I was dressing. I screamed at him, and he responded that I hadn’t answered his knock at the door and he “wanted to make sure I was all right.”
I have no ties to Bob, but my friends do. All of them are aware of his actions and reputation. So is the owner of his nightly hangout, but Bob is a jolly bar guy and buys drinks, so everyone (except me) is OK with it. I get PTSD at the thought of attending one of our dinners when this particular establishment is chosen, so I usually skip those nights.
A few of the women in my friend group have told me I need to just “get over it,” but I can’t. Any advice on how to handle this?
VICTIM IN WISCONSIN
DEAR VICTIM: I am sorry for what happened that day. Although Bob didn’t touch you, the terror was real.
I do have a couple of suggestions regarding how to handle this. The first is to continue refusing to attend birthday celebrations that might expose you to the man who broke into your home. (Did you file a police report?) Also, think twice about how “wonderful” a woman friend is who would choose that restaurant for her party.
If your PTSD continues, consider consulting a licensed mental health professional who specializes in it.
DEAR ABBY: I’ve been engaged three times, and each time something happened and caused the engagements to be broken. I’m 38 now. I’m not sure if marriage is ever going to happen, but it’s something I have looked forward to and is a dream of mine.
However, the more I think about it and how things are these days, I can’t help but wonder if it will ever happen for me. What do you think I should do: keep hoping, or put marriage on the back burner?
HOPING AGAINST HOPE IN INDIANA
DEAR HOPING: Sit down and ask yourself what went wrong with each of your engagements so it won’t be repeated.
Then begin plotting out a different life for yourself, an interesting one filled with activities, adventures, and the pursuit of subjects that interest you. This can become your gratifying reality. If you do, it will expose you to people you might not otherwise meet.
Of course, you can keep “hoping” for marriage, but your chances of finding what you’re looking for will be better if you become more active than if you preoccupy yourself with this “dream.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
https://www.mercurynews.com/2025/11/02/dear-abby-bob-the-creep/
