In this age of seemingly addictive technologies, how do we protect our children from the harmful impacts of too much time online? Many of our boys find peer connection, gaming, and entertainment instantly with a device. Laughter was once described as the shortest distance between two people—but now it’s been replaced with a handheld device.
Developmentally, devices are directly shaping childhoods—including identity formation and social belonging. Many of these technologies deliberately capitalize on innate human needs for commercial gain, which should send up a red flag for any parent.
At a recent talk my colleague Kristen Molloy and I gave, we listened to the frustrations of parents describing just how strong the bond between the phone and their child was. The resistance, the shouting, and the strength required to intervene reminded us of the character from *The Lord of the Rings*—Gollum—who becomes obsessed with the ring. Have our kids become the same? And how is their obsession shaping who they are becoming?
It also occurred to me that technology has somehow inserted itself as a primary need. Many would know of Maslow’s theory of human needs (1943), in which he sets out primary needs such as love, safety, food, and sleep. I argue that perhaps the greatest theft committed by tech giants is robbing children of their freedom by making them depend on technology as though it were a foundational need in our lives.
Some of us are fortunate enough to remember a time when it wasn’t. And maybe it still isn’t—but wherever you stand on the debate about technology and children, our relationship to technology is not simply a moral panic. It’s a generational question we must address. Many social commentators say the genie is out of the bottle.
So, what do we do?
### Preventive Strategies
**Set up dialogue early.**
Dialogue and relationships are key to successful parenting. We all have our negotiables and non-negotiables as parents, and wrapping around all of this is the conversational work we do. Communication is like gardening: We must tend to it. In addition to nourishing the garden with sun and water, we must notice when things aren’t quite right and pull out a few weeds!
Through open conversations, we can set rules together using the broad frame of *right way, right place, and right time*.
**Set strong boundaries early.**
When we do the conversations well, we are in a strong position to set boundaries. When good boundaries are applied fairly, our boys also learn that *no means no*—a vital life skill.
If you are considering giving your young son a fully non-restricted phone, don’t. The debate tends to focus on the need for communication while the need to protect them is overlooked. We are their guardians.
There are many “dumb phones,” sometimes called bricks, that provide communication, basic texting, and limited internet, without exposing our boys to unfiltered, inappropriate content and toxic ideas. Also, no phones or internet devices in bedrooms overnight must be non-negotiable.
**Practice saying no.**
Most of us understand the importance of listening and being fair. But some of us have lost the art of saying “no.” When we say no, we’re not simply denying our boys something; we are helping them understand that there are rules in life.
Here is a simple routine you can work on:
– **Child:** I’d like to keep playing this game. It’s only another 10 minutes.
– **Parent:** No. The rule is that all gaming is done by 8 pm.
– **Child:** But pleeeeze. I can’t really stop at this point.
– **Parent:** The rule is that gaming finishes at 8 pm, so the answer is no.
There are a couple of important things in the above script. Firstly, get to “no” fast—you don’t need to provide an overly long explanation. Secondly, state the rule—it’s not your opinion. The rule is already known, and by simply stating it, you remove emotional energy.
**Use partial agreement.**
Sometimes, simply saying no can seem too blunt. You might be tired and sense it could end in a full-blown argument. Partial agreement allows us to acknowledge the child’s perspective while still enforcing the rule.
For example:
– **Child:** Everyone has iPads in their bedroom!
– **Parent:** That may be so, but in our house, the rule is that we don’t.
– **Child:** But pleeeeze. It’s so unfair.
– **Parent:** I can see that you feel it’s unfair, but it’s a rule we have, and that isn’t going to change.
An important side note: At times, the removal of technology can cause a lot of angst. In this, it’s important to focus on primary, not secondary behaviour, as behaviourist Bill Rogers teaches. This means ignoring eye rolling and door slamming that usually follow when the device is removed—these reactions can be addressed later. The focus remains on the fair application of the rule.
### Applied Strategies When There Is Trouble
**Be curious.**
All kids will push boundaries to find limits. Occasionally, they will step over them. While we apply rules and consequences, sometimes we must provide a context for discovery and compassion.
A really great phrase here is: *Tell me more about that.* When our boys encounter something concerning on the internet, we need to help them unpack, make sense of, or make safe the experience. Using curiosity provides a safe context for conversation to occur.
**WIN Model for Online Issues**
I have previously written about dialogic structures to support our parenting, especially the WIN model:
– **W**hat is going on?
– **I**mpact—what is the impact?
– **N**ext—what do you need to do next?
This model helps when there is an issue online by guiding boys to think through their own behaviour. It’s a powerful tool for helping boys develop more regulation in their thinking.
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The undertow of the digital world can seem like it will sweep us all out to sea. But setting a foundation in conversation, providing clear and enforceable rules that are fair, and having strategies for when things go wrong can help us navigate these turbulent times.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/raising-healthy-boys/202511/getting-my-son-off-his-device
